Confession: I had a really bad binge/purge session this weekend. I stayed over at my friend’s house, and we ended up making chocolate cupcakes and ordering pizza. From there it just got worse; I had a lot of ice cream, chocolate pudding, and candy. I kept leaving to purge in her bathroom - I was THROWING UP my FRIEND’S FOOD in HER BATHROOM. I can’t describe to you how disgusted I feel with myself.

I slept over, and in the morning we made blueberry muffins - which I also purged. We watched a movie, and I just kept shoveling chips in my mouth and using excuses to visit the bathroom (“I have a small bladder”).

But today was good - I ate healthy, I didn’t undereat, and I didn’t overeat. Looking back, I can tell myself one thing: the binge isn’t worth it. It’s not worth the self-disgust, the discomfort, the time spent bent over a toilet with your friends on the other side of the door, and it’s not worth the odd looks that you get for eating so uncontrollably and then disappearing to the bathroom.

It’s. Not. Worth. It.

Never again am I going to do this to myself. I’m not going to let something as simple as food, which other people can enjoy in moderation, ruin a weekend with my friends. I’m not going to let it dictate my habits or my mood or how I spend my time.

I’m so tired of this, and it ends NOW.

My friend has been talking about how she’s been eating very little, skipping meals, and exercising more often, and how she feels better than she has in months.

I know that there’s the inevitable crash ahead, but honestly I absolutely understand what she’s feeling, and I want to feel that way again too.

I just have to keep my eyes set on the long run - getting healthy and feeling better, not giving in to fleeting feelings like this that’ll make me feel ten times worse in the future - and focus on being there for my friend so she doesn’t get worse. It’s a slippery slope that we’re both on.